The Diary of a Troubled Exam Giver

Lets take a little tip down the memory lane. Lets see how I've not tasted what i wanted, how I’ve learnt from my mistakes and how I did them again. I see myself catching a train at the Gwalior station. In my hand, I have a letter from a friend - packed heavy with love and nostalgia, a book about astronomy and loads of judgments, opinions and expectations that have frozen and limited me to a formulated phrase. I carry million dollar hopes - that I haven't yet fulfilled. The burden is heavy. I wish I could be numb to all of it and lie with my hands raised, resting and be utterly empty - know no one, reply to myself only. But that’s not possible in this life - I think I've already tasted the fruit of knowledge.

The train pulls off, moves slowly as I lean against its door. I see familiar, fading faces. One of them approaches me and tells me that he wants to see me on the top of this world, do my father proud and asks me to do something that would facilitate the same. He says this in just two words - "study hard". It seems so easy doesn’t it. All I had to do were to follow those two words, and my life would change forever, for good. I haven't exactly done that yet. It’s so stupid of me isn't it? Well, yes. "Studying hard" is not the toughest thing to do and it is indeed stupid of me to not do the thing that I have to do. Satan keeps tempting me; I keep getting tempted.

There is still some hope before the epilogue. There are about four months to go, 135 days to be precise - before one of the most important tests of my life approaches me. And what is worse is that it’s going to come only once.

Lose yourself in the music, the moment.
You own it - you never let it go.
You only get one shot.
Do not miss a chance to blow.
This opportunity comes once in a life time, Yo.

Circa 20/10/2003, 1:14 A.M. I have become taller; my brain greyer, and a strange, unknown black stripe lingers just above my upper lip. I am 18 years old, and single still (sigh!). Two years ago, I screwed it up. Now, forgotten. The memories do not haunt me anymore. That's why I'm writing this right now - to re live each of those insufferable torments that I got, each day. I was hell - personified, personalized. I had let everyone and anyone that I could think of - down. Its funny how memories, and for that matter,
people and things change. When they are fresh in the mind, they haunt us and eventually, like everything else in this world - they fade. Anyway. I remember going to schools, being turned down and then showing my sorry-for-myself face at home to other sorry-for-me faces. I tried to hate the person who was staring back at me out of the mirror ; but somehow never could. It was a nightmare, but I knew it was going to be over and forgotten until of course some more questions are thrown at me for my idiosyncrasies by some curious bystanders.

In retrospect, I would say that I don't regret anything that I've ever lost - Because I've gained twice as much priceless lessons of life. I think I've lived the ecstacy and the agony of my life in the last two years. I have met new people and made some terrific friends. I've learnt to enjoy my life, and hate it too. I have shed tears, been hurt, been in pain, had fights - real bad ones, lost my cell, and the list goes on. I've heard some amazing music, developed a taste for new thing and learned to appreciate them. I've been able to read some new authors and transform myself. I think that I can think a lot deeper and wider and better now. It has become a continuous cyclic process for me. I have heard myself scream with joy - be it on nicco park rides, dreaming exhilarating
dreams that I will someday live up to, addictive timepassers, the
sight of colorful birds (the unwinged variety). truly awesome and fulfilling jam sessions, or simply LOL-ing around I’ve realized the importance of my family, who is going to go wherever I will go. I thank you, God for giving me them. I can never possible repay what I owe - I'd be bankrupt, locked up for life. Phew! All of this in just two years!

I think, in the process of writing this journal, I realize the way I've lived for these two years is the way i want to live for all of my life. As a person, I want to forever grow - in
thoughts, in intellect, in memories, in interactions, in experiences and in lot of other things that sure as hell include those hints of the black strip above my upper lip that basks in this glorified moonlit sky! And the way I see it, It'd not be possible for me to live my life this way forever - until and unless I, for a change, sincerely, follow two words.

Yes! You got the moral of the story RIGHT!

"((((((((((((STUDY HARD!)))))))))))"